Why Not?

I had a conversation with a friend about sexual intercourse before marriage . . . here are some of the thoughts I had (names have been ommited to protect the innocent!) :-)

Ok - I hate to be the bringer of bad news, so I'll preface my comments with my standard disclaimers: most of what I tell you will be true for most of the population, which means (in my head) that 99% of what I will type is 99% applicable to you and your significant other (and the rest of the world!).

So here goes . . .

1. Long distance relationships are hard - extremely hard. And love alone can't sustain a relationship. I know that sounds terrible and terribly stupid, but it's a pretty well established fact. When two people are apart, the longer they are apart the more chance there is that one or the other will start liking someone else. It's also hard to sustain romantic, passionate feelings when the object of affection is not there. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I am saying it's pretty difficult, even with two people who start out very much in love.

2. > Do we really HAVE to wait until marriage for sex?

The short and easy answer - no. (Shocking, isn't it!) :-) (I'll explain more in a bit)

> I
> know you're probably a little
> disappointed in us, that we're actually thinking about
> it.

I'm not disappointed - I want to make that very clear - almost all people struggle with this question at some point in their lives, and your teenage years, especially if you're involved in a romantic relationship, tend to bring the question up to the front of your brain :-)

On to some kind of answer now . . .

1. Having sex - making love - sexual intercourse - it almost doesn't matter what you call it - the end result is the same.

You also mention that both of you had already decided to wait until marriage, but now the question has an added time urgency to it (as she's leaving for college) - and you both want to put a physical act to your emotions.

As if you hadn't guessed, I'll challenge y'all to wait again - wait *until* you get married. And I'll tell you why :-)

If you have sexual intercourse right now, you will bond yourself to each other, moreso that you already have. However, you will not be totally truthful with each other.

Sexual intercourse should take place in within a committed, loving relationship. A *publicly* committed relationship, which is what marriage is in our culture. It sends a public message that you and your spouse will do whatever it takes to stay together,
for the good of your relationship, for the good of any kids that come your way, and for the good of the stability of our cultures/nation/groups.

Yeah, it's a far cry from romance, but marriage has always been more about the future of our race, and economics than love (kinda sucks, huh?) :-)

But back to the point - if you engage in sexual intercourse, you will be telling each other that you are committed to each other. Notice that there's no "public" involved there - no sense of commitment to others. It will be far easier to discard each other
(break up) later on, even if you have had sex, because no one else knows about it.

And think about that for a sec - no one else knows . . . most of the time, if we're getting ready to do something others shouldn't know about, it's an action that we already have a sense is wrong. After a wedding, everyone knows that the couple will go home and have sex. The couple knows it (and is prob looking forward to it!). No onw actually talks about it, but it's understood, accepted, and encouraged. But when
two people decide that they're gonna have sex before marriage, no one knows, and for the most part, they don't tell anyone - it's a hidden, secret thing - not the best way to celebrate one of the best gifts God has given us.

And like I've said before, physical intimacy should not happen until there has been emotional, mental & spiritual intimacy. Quite a lot of it. Until people have talked about all their hopes & dreams, their good points & bad points; until they've seen each other at their best & at their worst; until they've laughed with each other, at each other; until they've cried together; until they've fought and made up; until
they've prayed together; until they've met each others families and friends; until they've talked about how many kids they want, where they will live, how & where
they will spend holidays, who will work and who will stay home, how chores will be divided up in a marriage . . . etc.

Once all of that's done, then you're ready for sexual intimacy.

What's more, each and every act of sexual intimacy should be open to having children. You are definitely not ready to have children.

And condoms are only about 50% effective when teenagers use them (when adults use them the effectiveness goes up to about 90%, but since teens are usually nervous and in a hurry to get to the good part, the condom ends up going on incorrectly, or too late, or is forgotten in the passion of the moment).

And it only takes one time to get pregnant . . . and if that happens, your life will be
totally changed, and the life you bring into this world will get shortchanged, because you are not ready for a baby.

So in short - you don't have to wait - you don't have to do anything you don't want to . . . but think about this decision - really think about it - think about it when you're not together, when you're not thinking about how much you'll miss each other. Think about how you'd feel if your parents found out - think about how you'd feel if God were in the room with y'all when it happened . . .

But mostly remember what you wrote "I don't think we're ready" - that tells me, more than anything else, that you're not. You may want to - desperately, enticingly want to - and that's normal with someone you love, it's the way God made us, to want to have physical intimacy with the one we love the most . . . but if you're even having a ghost of a thought that you're not ready, then you're not.

And you need to decide *now* what you'll do - don't be thinking about it when you're alone, and you've already been kissing & what not - at that point your bodies will take over and you'll be done before you know it.

This kind of decision must always be made *before* you get into a situation where you need to decide. Choose now, and then help each other stick to that choise.

One last thought - the first time you have sexual intercourse, it's usually not all romantic and perfect like you see in the movies. You'll both feel awkward, your bodies will be awkward, it'll hurt (for the girl). Especially if you're in a car, or in someone's house where a parent may come in at any time, you'll both feel pressured and a little guilty . . . it's not the best way to have a first time sexual experience.

And if you don't end up getting married, you'll have to tell your future spouse that you didn't wait . . .

Please - don't go through with it. I've talked to too many people, both older teens and
adults, who have so many regrets about a pre-marriage sexual experience. I want your first time to be with the person you have married, not the persin you *may* marry.

You're both too special to give in to your longings . . . wait . . . and I guarantee that if you both wait, it'll be a much more satisfying experience, both because you'll be going crazy for each other, and because you know that God is smiling and approving as you celebrate his love and your love with each other.

Some food for thought,
Blessings & Peace,
Hugo

8th Grade Retreat

Hey all :-)

Our 8th graders from the school where I work at are graduating tomorrow night (Wednesday).

Yesterday (Monday) about 40 of them went to a retreat at a local camp. It was a pretty laid back day - we sat around and talked for a while. A former teacher came back to visit them for the day, and the 8th graders were really glad to see her. I think she was just as glad to see them, to reconnect with them.

One of the things the 8th graders were supposed to do was reflect on how they had changed in their 14 years of life. When asked what one of their greatest fears was, several of them said that death was - either death in general or the specific death of a loved one.

So in no particular order, some random thoughts on death & dying . . .

I remember that St. Francis used to call death his sister, a gentle sibling that would come when you needed her most and take you to heaven.

And I wonder if their views on death will change as they get older, as they have other people in their lives die.

Some people, IMNSHO, withdraw from others, choosing lives of quiet desperation so that they can become inured to the death around them. They seem to want to hide from the inescapable fact that everything dies. They think that if they have no close friends, no human contact, no emotions, no intertwined fragments of their lives then they will not have to hurt - they will not have to go through the death of a loved one.

The Buddha taught that all life is suffering. He taught that we suffer because we cling to illusion of permanency - we want to believe that the people, places and things in our lives will be around forever - that *we'll* be around forever.

But that's a lie - everything is impermanent - everything dies. Our universe is slowly dissolving into chaos, towards chaos. Our lives are always winding down, sometimes cut short when least expected. Our toys break down. Relationships end.

And the Buddha understood that - looked at it with clear understanding and taught that we should not freeze our hearts because of that one fact.

He said that once we understood that all of life was fading and ephemeral, we would start to let go of our illusion of control and immortality. We would start to engage the people, places and things around us in a detached sort of way - living life to the fullest, always aware that at some point the place we love to go visit, the person we love to spend time with, the hobby we now have - everything would eventually fade away.

That wasn't supposed to make you withdraw, however - it was supposed to spur you to action *now* - action in *this* instant, in *this* moment.

Jumping back to my own Catholic faith, we are taught that death is nothing more than the twinkling of an eye - there is no such thing as death. Either we are alive here on earth or we are alive in resurrected bodies in heaven or hell.

Death is not something to be feared. It hurts, of course, but not for the person dying. They are beyond the earthly realm. It hurts us who are still alive, because of our attachment, our longing to be with the one who has died.

And that is part of our human makeup - we hurt because we love, and we love because we are made in the image of a God who *is* love. We are made to love, we are made for love, we are made of love.

Anyways, I may ramble on some more on the topic, as it's in my head at the moment. But for now, I will enjoy my life to the fullest by eating of the migas that my wonderful wife has cooked.

Blessings & Peace,
Hugo

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Blessings & Peace,
Hugo

Why ShadowMage?

Hey y'all! :-)

So why is it called ShadowMage's Domain?

I've been playing the role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons since I was in junior high (I'm 32 now). A few years ago I played one of my all-time favorite characters - a shadowmage named Sol'kanar ShadowStalker. (For those in the know, we were playing 2nd Edition, using all the Skills & Powers books; for others in the know, yes I stole his first name from a 4th edition Magic card).

I have fond memories of my PC using his shadowblend power to meld into shadows and cast spells from there, all in relative safety . . . the rest of the party hated him :-)

This is my first attempt at a blog - I may update regularly to semi-regularly.

Enjoy! :-)

Blessings & Peace,
ShadowMage